Great Expectations

WHAT APRIL TAUGHT ME ABOUT CLINGING TO HOW THINGS SHOULD BE
AND THE MAGIC OF LETTING GO

Photo by Saruul Saruulaa

I’ve been pondering expectations lately, particularly the subtle, grasping kind – our belief in what should happen, our mental image of how things should be. These expectations create an illusion that slithers around my mind, hissing should, should, should.

When reality differs from that illusion, those expectations then twist around my being in the moment, squeezing my joy and replacing it with dissatisfaction and frustration. What if I didn’t hold onto every expectation so tightly?

In writing this piece, I stumbled across this poem by April Green.
Let it go
then see what kind of magic
returns in its place.

Because,
I promise that
what’s for you
will never reach you
while you’re clinging
to something else.

In the face of whatever happens, I can choose to grasp the illusion created by my expectations or release it. Rarely do I choose the latter, but when I have, magic has definitely replaced whatever I could concoct.

Like the year we spent Christmas in Miami with my husband’s large Latin family. Three of his seven sisters live there, and we crammed his mom, all seven sisters and spouses, at least 14 kids, and a handful of extended family into those three sisters’ houses for the week. My normal Christmas holiday with my family never involved so many people or so much shuttling back and forth to different places for this and that family gathering. I knew this holiday experience wouldn’t match my normal expectations.

I want to be one of those people who always goes with the flow. I’m not. I get entangled in wanting things my usual way and judging things when they don’t measure up. Not to mention, my usual way is often fancy, as my husband will tell you. Between the air mattresses and shared bathrooms, an almost non-existent itinerary, and basically a constant need for a “go” bag, this trip was definitely not fancy or my usual holiday expectation. I started judging the trip against my illusion of how it should be before we’d even left town. Fortunately, I caught myself doing this. Stop. Let the expectations go. See what takes their place.

It wasn’t unbridled enthusiasm, but I did truly embark on the adventure with zero expectations. That Christmas, wherever we went, whatever we did, whatever chaos reigned, I embraced it. I chose laughter instead of complaining when things went sideways, and I consciously set aside any wanting for reality to be different than it was.

The words in Green’s poem came true. By letting go, magic returned in place of the unreality of expectations. I found joy in every minute of that trip, and I fell even more deeply in love with my husband’s family. The Tabora Family Christmas in Miami remains one of my fondest holiday memories.

But I wouldn’t even have that memory if not for another distinct time in my life when I also stopped clinging to expectations. Post divorce, it took me some time to realize I could stop focusing on what should have been and start making my life into something more and different. I booked a trip to Italy, started taking Italian classes, trained for a half marathon, asked my friends to set me up on blind dates. I made a conscious effort not to cling to my expectations of how things should be, and instead, pursue the things in front of me.

Just after the new year, a friend set me up with a surgeon colleague of her husband’s. We had a stilted phone conversation and decided to meet at a restaurant bar near my apartment. I didn’t have the best feeling about this date. I remember dragging my feet to get ready, thinking of reasons I could call and cancel. Then I caught myself. Stop. You’re clinging to old expectations of how dating should be. Let go and just go.

The date was terrible. We ordered drinks. He closed the tab immediately. We struggled painfully through conversation. Just 30 minutes in, he told me he had to go. Thank God. I stayed to finish my one glass of wine and to ogle the very charming and handsome Latin bartender behind the counter. Eventually, that bartender sauntered over, introduced himself, and asked what happened with that guy. I told him about the unfortunate blind date.

“That doesn’t happen in my bar,” he said. “I’m going to take care of you tonight.” And he did – for that night and the next almost 17 years.

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary earlier this year. I still marvel at how this incredible person and partner in life found me. “What’s for you will never reach you while you’re clinging to something else.”

These two experiences aside, I do cling to my expectations all the time – for other people, for situations, for outcomes I think I need, for what God should do in my life. I dictate instead of opening up to what God would have me do. And the clinging always leaves me holding so much less than I could have. In the case of that Miami Christmas and my terrible blind date, I see how much my heart and my joy expanded because I purposefully released my expectations.

I don’t know about you, but I want what’s for me to reach me. When we practice letting go, magic does find us.

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